It is often said you don't know how much you need something until it is gone, and over the past two weeks I have recieved a true lesson in that phenomenon as it relates to my meditation practice. Since begining my practice about two years ago I've been pretty consistent with my meditation, at least during the weekdays. Before I quit my job to relocate and stay home with the boys I'd set my alarm early (very early) to be able to meditate prior to leaving for work. It was a rountine I was able to keep daily. Now, my routine is to send the boys off on the bus, and then finish some basic chores around the house (so the thoughts of them wouldn't hound me on the pillow) prior to sitting down to meditate around ten o'clock. I've rarely missed a day. On the weekends, with the boys home, it is a bit more difficult and I often miss. Likewise, while traveling I've also experienced some brief breaks in my practice but never as long as the nine-day period I just inadvertantly endured while the boys were home from school for winter break.
In retrospect I should have gone back to setting an alarm to enable me to meditate first thing in the morning before boys awoke, but that seemed like a silly thing to do during the winter break "vacation." I thought that I could make up for the lack of formal sitting time by employing a "short time-many times" approach in which I just grabbed a handful of mindful breathing times throughout the day. For me, however, this just didn't work out.
I've often noticed that the benefits of some positive behavior are difficult to truly notice as they seem to accure slowly over time. It is hard to remember what things were like before and you don't notice how profound the effect has been until you take undo the positive change. This has often been the case when we've made adjustments to the dietary regimens of the boys. Likewise, the break in my meditation practice clearly served to illustrate how profound the benefits of daily meditation had truly been.
As I tried to get back into my routine this week a few things were apparent. Firstly, it was hard to sit down and do it. I skipped Monday and Tuesday altogether and for no good reason at all other than an uncharacteristic lack of motivation. So, nine days actually stretched into eleven. When I tried to sit down Wednesday I was so uncomforable, both physically and mentally, that I quit early.
Mentally the effect has been far worse. To be somewhat fair to myself, it has been a rough week. Things at the school are going badly and there are potentially tough decisions to be made and there is communication with school officials that needs to be handled in a thoughful way. There has been a lot to think about. Nonetheless, my return to my previous thought-patterns and habits has been surprising. I have not been sleeping well. I've been constantly replaying conversations in my mind, continually kicking myself over things I should have said (most of them mean or inflammatory). I've been mentally rehearsing hostile arguements in response to things nobody has even said to me yet. I've been plotting ways to embarass people by catching them in mistruths. I've been dreading the future and leaping to conclusions. I haven't been motivated to do much, no writing, etc. I've been short and cranky with the boys. Physically, I've been feeling sick and run down.
In short, I've been thinking, feeling and acting precisely like I was two years ago when I recognized that I needed to make a positive change and took up my daily meditation practice. And in just less than two weeks. Lesson clearly learned and this summer instead of sleeping in late I believe I'll be getting up early.
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