It's Now

Since I started meditating, my skills have gotten better and I have learned to focus more on the moment and what is happening at that time right in front of me. At work or around the house I am able to see what is happening for what it is and not what it used to be or what I want it to be. What has continued to allude me, however, has been an ability to enjoy that moment for what it is worth and to not worry about what is to come when it comes to my kids.

As with any parent of a child with Asperger's, this would be an especially useful skill. In truth, with our children the highs are exceptionally high and can be truly amazing moments where we are surrounded by both love and happiness. But all too often, the joy of the moment is missed because I'm so focused on the next problem, the next looming disaster, the next low. And our lows can be exceptionally low.

To some extent, the reality of our lives dictate this approach. Our lives take A LOT of preparation. When we've been successful with the children, it has often been the result of an incredible amount of planning, forethought and preparation. Without properly preparing the boys for events and transitions, things are likely to go horribly wrong.

In an effort to focus my attention on the reality of the present moment and not get trapped on the runaway train of my thoughts, I purchased the "It's Now" watch designed by and featuring the calligraphy of Thich Nhat Hanh. The watch features the word "It's" written in the middle, surrounded by the word "now" at the 3, 6, 9 and 12 locations on the face. It is truly always NOW, and serves as a constant reminder throughout the day that I need to remember that fact. After only a week of having that reminder on my wrist, I found myself more able to carry the mindfulness I was so diligently practicing on my medication pillow every morning and evening with me to work, running errands, and around the house.

One night, however, not long after I started wearing it the watch, unknowingly, presented me with a challenge. I was outside with the boys enjoying the first mildly warm evening of the year. Danny and I were playing a primitive version of tennis while Kenny served the triple role of rule-maker, score-keeper and net. The deck was clearly stacked against me as Kenny admitted to "making sure my friend Danny wins." I lost by a strange and confusing score of 11,000,003,011 to 32. It was a wonderful time--just plain fun. The closet therapist that I had become was thrilled with what seemed like the five social development milestones that had been met. And, as always, my mind was on the clock.

It was close to bedtime and I knew I had to start giving my pre-corrects (technical term for telling them what was expected of them before you actually expected them to do it) and following them up with a time warning, usually something like "Five minutes until it's time to go inside and use the bathroom, take a bath, brush your teeth and put on your pajamas." This would then be repeated at T-minus 4, 3, 2 and 1 minutes. Like most children with Asperger's, the boys don't typically handle transitions well and that is an understatement. To avoid a meltdown, we needed to go through this routine of time warnings and pre-corrects and it was even more important in the evenings when the boys would be tired and less likely to comply.

Unfortunately, issuing a pre-correct is by definition not "living in the moment." To be issuing a pre-correct means that your mind is occupied with what you see as a potential disaster ten minutes in the future. The ironic difficulty is that the greater the joy in the activity, the greater the need for the pre-correct. How do you live in the moment with children who need to be told what is going to be happening in the future?

Walking this balance is where I found myself. My watch reminded me that the time was NOW and it was a time to embrace and cherish. But it also told me that it was time to prepare the boys for the end of that fun. And maybe that's the answer. NOW was the time to issue the pre-correct. However, NOW is but an instant. After the warning was issued, that NOW was gone and the new NOW that demanded my attention was how to recover from an 11 billion point deficit in a game that didn't have any rules.